Back to School

I'm about to start my second trip through college. Well...to be precise, it's my third trip because I took "the scenic route" through school the first time, majoring in Miller Lite, with a minor in Girls. Not surprisingly, it took a second trip a few years later to finish up a degree that employers actually value.

As a result, I always found this exchange in the movie "Tommy Boy" hilarious:

Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard Hayden: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard Hayden: I know, they're called doctors.

It took me eight years from start to finish. And I'm not a doctor.....

So today's the big day. It's my first day of class at IUPUI as I begin my quest for a Master's Degree in Criminal Justice.

I'm nervous as hell.

It's been 14 years since I last took a college course, and things have changed a little in the last decade and a half, to say the least. I'm still getting used to almost everything being done electronically now. I have my own personalized page on IUPUI's OneStart system, which displays all of my pertinent information in one central location, which is nice, and it's apparently the hub of a lot of information and activity at the university and with my classes. I'm still getting used to the idea of uploading term papers to the website, rather than printing them and handing them in to the professor.

The graduate school environment is taking a little time to adjust to, as well. I got my Bachelor's Degree from Texas A&M University--somewhere north of 40,000 students. Class size--especially at the freshman and sophomore level--often numbered over 100. IUPUI, however, only has 8000 graduate students, and I learned at Orientation last weekend that I'm one of about five people getting my Master's Degree in Criminal Justice. I also learned that this is the first year this program is being offered at IUPUI. So while I was shocked when my advisor recited some information about me from memory, I guess I can't be too surprised that he can remember stuff about five people. Don't get me wrong--I really like the small environment and my advisor knowing not only that I exist but also a little bit about me. It's just strange to me right now.

So this afternoon, I'm going to campus a little early to get my JagTag--IUPUI's clever little name for their student ID's. It apparently holds all sorts of information about me on it, it can be used as a pre-paid credit card at several locations on and off campus, it gets me into the lounge (by way of a swipe pad) at the building where I'll take most of my classes, and who knows...it probably has a GPS tracking system in it. They might as well just microchip me. At A&M, my student ID was my picture and signature laminated on a card. I don't remember ever using it, other than showing it to get a couple bucks knocked off the cover charge at local bars.

Then, I'll have to figure out how to configure my laptop so that I can get wireless internet service on campus. Again, no such thing existed during my A&M days.

Finally, I'll make my way to my classroom (I've already located it) and read from one of my textbooks while I wait for class to begin (that part's still the same). Once class begins, I'll be recording the lecture directly to my laptop (never done that before). I'll be doing that in part because I'll be attempting to take notes on my laptop for the first time ever. I've never done anything but take hand-written notes in class before. This could immediately turn into a disaster, so I'm taking a good ol' fashioned pen and notebook with me, too. The recording is for any part of the lecture that I miss while I'm frantically changing methods of note-taking during the middle of class.

After tonight, it'll just be a matter of knocking the rust off my old brain and getting back into the swing of studying, writing papers, doing presentations, etc. I'm really excited about it, and as I get going, I'm sure the butterflies will go away.

But for now, I feel like I'm going to barf at any second.

At least I won't have to worry about bombing out of school this time from majoring in Miller Lite and minoring in Girls. I switched to Coors Light several years ago, and if I take even a single class in Girls, I'll be getting a degree in Divorce with a minor in Child Support.

My Dynasty Team

I think I mentioned previously that my brother-in-law runs a dynasty fantasy football league that I've played in since its inception five years ago. I've had some success in the 8-team league, finishing 4th, 2nd, 1st, and 2nd in the four previous years. Yes, I've played in the last three consecutive championship games. Sadly, I've only gone 1-2 in those games.

We had our draft last week, so I drafted ten players to add to my ten keepers. My keepers were:

QB - Aaron Rodgers (GB)
QB - Tony Romo (DAL)

RB - Chris Johnson (TEN)
RB - Maurice Jones-Drew (JAX)
RB - Ray Rice (BAL)

WR - Reggie Wayne (IND)
WR - Vincent Jackson (SD)
WR - Mike Wallace (PIT)
WR - Pierre Garcon (IND)

TE - Jermichael Finley (GB)

On any given week, we have to start two QB, three RB, four WR, two TE, a kicker, and a team defense. Scoring is pretty standard in this league, and we get a point per reception.

Being the runner-up in last year's championship game, I had the 7th pick (out of 8 teams) in every round.

So here's how the draft went for my team, the Wolverines:

1.7 - Johnny Knox, WR, Chicago - I was ECSTATIC to get Knox! My WR depth isn't great, especially with Vincent Jackson missing at least three games via suspension and possibly up to ten games, or the entire season, via holdout. So I was looking for an everyday starter. I knew who was going in the first four picks, but I wasn't sure about the fifth and sixth picks. I figured that either of those guys would likely take Knox. The guy with the fifth pick took C.J. Spiller, and then the guy with the sixth pick stunned me by taking Donald Driver (old, and not the #1 WR in Green Bay). Having the #1 WR on a Mike Martz-led offense with a decent QB at the helm drop into my lap was outstanding! I was thrilled!

2.7 - Donald Brown, RB, Indianapolis - I didn't really want to take Brown for a couple of reasons: he probably won't contribute much this season, and he's my third Colt. I don't like having that many players from one team on my roster. But with Joseph Addai likely leaving the Colts after this season, I think he has great keeper value, and I was surprised to see him fall this far. I couldn't let him fall any farther.

3.7 - Demaryius Thomas, WR, Denver - Like Brown, I don't expect Thomas to contribute much this season, but he's more of a long-term prospect. He's a rookie, he's super-talented, and he's been doing well in training camp. I feel like I got him at a good value.

4.1 (via trade) - John Carlson, TE, Seattle - I was targeting him in the draft to complement Finley. I've read a lot of positive things about Carlson from fantasy football prognosticators, sports writers, and even Seattle's QB, Matt Hasselbeck. The fact that he's a Seahawk is an added bonus, since I'm an avid Seahawks fan. I nearly took him at 3.7 but decided to risk it, take Thomas at 3.7, and try for Carlson two picks later at 4.1, instead. It was a close call--the guy picking a few spots before me instantly complained that he almost drafted Carlson but chose Malcom Floyd instead. Interestingly, I had originally targeted Floyd as a fill-in for Vincent Jackson, especially since he's holding down Jackson's WR spot in San Diego while Jackson is out. But since I got Johnny Knox with 1.7, I wasn't going to consider Floyd for another two or three rounds. The fact that I didn't get him because he went in the 3rd round didn't bother me a bit.

4.7 - Vince Young, QB, Tennessee - I only need Young for two weeks this season--weeks 4 and 10 when Rodgers and Romo have their bye weeks. I picked Young because he has fairly decent match-ups in those weeks: vs. Denver in Week 4 and vs. Miami in Week 10. Neither defense is a push-over, but neither is particularly good, either. I nearly took Matt Hasselbeck here because he's a Seahawk and because he plays against St. Louis (HORRIBLE defense) in Week 4 and Arizona (pretty good defense) in Week 10. But I decided on Young because Seattle's offense is in turmoil right now, and they have a new coaching staff to get used to. Young's had his issues, but he's very familiar with the Titans offense, and the head coach has been there for years. I'm thinking that defenses will be stacking the box to protect against Chris Johnson, which would, in theory, leave the receivers a little more breathing room. And while I'll miss out on that sweet Rams match-up, I'll take two mediocre defenses, rather than a terrible one and a very good one.

5.7 - Fred Jackson, RB, Buffalo - Again, I was looking for bye-week filler. Two of my RB are out for Week 9, and one is out for Week 8. I have Donald Brown to help fill in (at home vs. Houston on Monday Night Football in Week 8, and at Philadelphia in Week 9), but I need two fill-in RB in Week 9, especially with Brown going up against a top defense on the road that week. So with Jackson still available, I decided to take a chance. I know C.J. Spiller will be taking his job soon, and they have a horrid offensive line in Buffalo, but I was hoping that he'd still be getting the lion's share of the carries midway through the season while Spiller was learning the ropes. And Jackson had a sweet match-up against the horrible Kansas City defense in Week 8, and against the below-average Chicago defense in Week 9. It was a risk I was willing to take at this point in the draft. Four days after the draft, that risk blew up in my face. Jackson broke his hand in his first preseason game, required surgery to repair the damage, and is expected to miss 4-6 weeks. Should be plenty of time for the insanely talented rookie from Clemson to steal his job. Jackson is now likely waivers fodder as soon as I decide to pick up someone else. Dammit.

6.7 - Philadelphia Defense - The Minnesota defense went in the round prior to this one, so I figured it would set off a run on defenses (it didn't). I was pondering taking Golden Tate in this round, but the guy four picks ahead of me had the same idea. I wasn't real excited about anyone else that was available at that point, so I figured now was as good as time as any to take my defense, and Philly was my top-rated defense. Plus, in the weeks of our playoffs, they play against the Giants (Eli Manning should be imploding by then and committing all kinds of turnovers) and the Vikings at home (Brett Favre is usually good for several interceptions, and if he decides not to play that week, Tarvaris Jackson is horrible).

7.7 - Kenny Britt, WR, Tennessee - I had this guy last season, and he wasn't particularly good. He's very talented on the field, but he's a knucklehead off the field. If he ever gets his head on straight, he'll easily vault into the #1 WR in Tennessee. Or maybe not. If he turns into a great keeper, I stole him near the end of the 7th round. If he tanks again this year, I haven't invested much in him. I did realize, however, after I drafted him that I now have three Titans on my roster. Dammit.

8.7 - Tony Scheffler, TE, Detroit - He's my fill-in TE during Finley and Carlson's bye weeks (Week 10 and Week 5 respectively). He's pretty talented, but he was suffocated by a TE-unfriendly offensive scheme in Denver for a few years. He signed with Detroit this season, and the Lions are trying to utilize him the way the Colts utilize Dallas Clark. Granted, the Lions are no Colts, but if they're TRYING to get the ball to him, he might be good for a couple weeks when I need him. He gets Buffalo's rotten defense in Week 10 and the Rams' sorry excuse for a defense in Week 5 when I need him. I'll take it.

9.7 - Nate Kaeding, K, San Diego - This was my last pick, and nobody else interested me at this point. I often don't draft a kicker and just wait to see how the preseason pans out, grabbing one at the last minute before the season starts. But when no one else interests me here, and the kicker for one of the NFL's better offenses is still there, what the hell. I guess I'll take my damn kicker.

So there you have it. I'm sure I've put everyone to sleep except my brother-in-law, who is probably feverishly taking notes now that he knows what I'm thinking.

Interstate Compact War Stories

I am the Interstate Compact contact person for our county. For the uninitiated, the Interstate Compact is a set of rules and procedures that all probation and parole departments from all states must comply with when transferring supervision of probation from one state to another.

Well, all states are SUPPOSED to comply with the rules and procedures.

The basic set-up for an interstate transfer is this: each state has its own Interstate Compact office. A transfer request goes from the local probation officer to the Interstate Compact office of his/her own state, to the Interstate Compact office of the receiving state, to the local probation officer in the receiving state. Communication from the receiving state takes the reverse path back to the original probation officer. So, for instance, if I want to transfer supervision of probation to Pullman, Washington, my request first goes to the Indiana Interstate Compact Office in Indianapolis, then to the Washington Interstate Compact Office in Olympia, then to the local probation department in Whitman County, Washington.

The whole process is done electronically. There are a whole slew of rules that we have to follow (somewhere around 65 pages, if I remember correctly), full of criteria that make transfers mandatory (the receiving state is required to accept supervision) or discretionary (the receiving state has the option to say, "No, thanks. Keep your probationer in your own state.") and full of deadlines for various procedures. Transferring probation to another state is a rather time-sensitive process. The ladies who work in the Indiana Interstate Compact Office have done a great job emphasizing to all of us that we are subject to massive fines, the wrath of God, and other bad things if we don't comply with the rules and the time deadlines. So I work hard to make sure I'm always in compliance.

That apparently doesn't hold true for other states, however. I am CONSTANTLY frustrated by other states that clearly have no regard for the Interstate Compact rules.

Most recently, I sent a transfer request to California. By rule, they have 45 calendar days to investigate the request and respond. Forty-five days came and went, so I sent a message to California, asking them to respond. No answer. I enlisted the help of the Indiana Interstate Compact Office, who contacted the California Interstate Compact Office, who contacted the local probation officer in California. No answer. More messages went to California, asking them to respond to the transfer request. No answer. Finally, after 104 days--more than twice as long as the Interstate Compact rules allow for--California responded...and rejected my request. After the rejection, I sent a message out there, asking if there was a particular reason that it took 104 days to respond, when the rules only allow for 45 days. You can probably guess how that has worked out. No answer.

Right on the heels of that fiasco, I sent a request for reporting instructions to Georgia. Reporting instructions are who, when, and where the receiving state wants the probationer to report to upon arrival in the receiving state. By rule, states have two (2) business days to respond to a request for reporting instructions. I sent my request on July 29, which gave Georgia until August 2 to respond. August 2 comes and goes, and no response. The Indiana Interstate Compact Office was all over it, and they immediately started sending messages to the Georgia Interstate Compact Office, requesting a response. It took somewhere in the neighborhood of five or six messages for Georgia to finally respond--on August 11. That's nine (9) business days, for those of you scoring at home. Their reasoning for being so slow? They're down three employees right now, so they're really busy. I didn't realize that being busy exempted us from complying with the Interstate Compact rules!

Speaking of Georgia, I transferred someone to them quite some time ago, and when it came time to discharge his probation, I ran his criminal history...only to discover that he had committed a new criminal offense in Georgia that they never told me about. Not only had he been arrested, he had been convicted, placed on probation in the same county that was supervising my case, violated his probation there, and was sent to jail on their case. But for some reason, Georgia never stopped to think that I might want to know about that, too.

And STILL speaking of Georgia, I currently have a probationer I transferred there over a year ago. Interstate Compact rules require that we send annual progress reports to the sending state when supervising one of their probationers. Has Georgia done that? No. But they want to close her case out (two months past her discharge date) because her probation has expired. I sent a message to Georgia, telling them that I won't approve the case closure until they send me a progress report, since I have no idea what she has completed and not completed while on probation. In fact, I had to file a probation violation, alleging that she completed nothing while on probation, because I had no information from Georgia to the contrary. I sent the message to Georgia a week and a half ago. Still waiting on that progress report.

Florida routinely pisses me off. The latest was a probationer of theirs who I was supervising, and he picked up new felony charges here in Indiana. Florida issued a warrant for his arrest as a result, didn't bother to notify me that the warrant was issued for over a month, and then when my probationer was arrested on the warrant, Florida refused to extradite him. So Indiana authorities had to release him. I sent repeated messages to Florida asking them what, exactly, they wanted me to do with him since he's doing nothing on probation, he's not paying any of his fees owed to Indiana, he's committing new felonies here, he has a warrant out of Florida, but Florida won't come and get him. Weeks go by with no response. So I ask them to allow me to close out the case. A month and a half goes by, and no response. The Indiana Interstate Compact Office got involved, and after lots of messages back and forth, Florida finally responded: they denied my request. They still want him to report to me. Why? I have no idea. Absolutely nothing constructive is coming from me wasting my time meeting with him.

Texas has pissed me off several times. So has Kentucky. And New York. Arkansas ignored me when I was having problems with one of their probationers and was asking for their help. My one experience with Utah has been a pain in the ass, trying to get any response of any kind from the Utah probation officer. Ohio is hit or miss--sometimes they're great, and sometimes they're total pricks. I'm not entirely convinced that Virginia has computers, because I routinely send stuff there, never to be heard from again.

Illinois has pissed me off a few times by rejecting various requests before they even send it to the local probation officer to decide. One time, I sent a discretionary transfer through, but it was going to the county where one of my favorite probation officers in the whole wide world works. I was pretty confident that she'd accept supervision, even though she didn't have to, because she understands the concept of doing what's best for the probationer, even if it means more work for her. But the Illinois Interstate Compact Office didn't even let her see the request, much less respond to it. They just denied it. So I contacted her directly, we worked out a little arrangement on the side, and she supervised my probationer for me outside of the rules of the Interstate Compact.

I could go on forever with war stories from the Interstate Compact. I'm not saying that Indiana's poop doesn't stink, but by God, if you transfer a case to my county, you're not going to have any of the above problems.

What sets me off the fastest is when states don't give a damn about what's best for the probationer. All they do is look for a reason not to accept the case, so they don't have to do the additional work.

It also sets me off when probation officers in other states don't respond to requests for communication. We're on the same team, folks! Show a little professional courtesy! Treat others the way you want to be treated!

And it chaps my hide that these offending states never suffer any consequences. No fines, no wrath of God, no sanctions for thumbing their noses at the Compact rules. So what motivation do they have to change their ways? None.

I have had some good experiences with the Interstate Compact. Oklahoma accepted a case from me that they weren't required to. So did Hawaii. I've had mostly good experiences with Michigan. South Dakota is doing a great job with one of my current probationers. West Virginia has communicated well with me on a few cases, and South Carolina has been more good than bad. Arizona was a total pain in the ass before the current automated system went into effect, but now they're pretty good.

And just today, with the help of one of the ladies at the Indiana Interstate Compact Office, Tennessee did me a huge favor and let one of my probationers head their way immediately, when they didn't have to.

So I'm curious. If anyone is still awake after reading this novel, and you have experience with the Interstate Compact, as a state contact person, a local probation officer, or a probationer, post a comment below and share your experiences, good or bad. I'm curious to know if I'm the only person in the country who wants to drive down to Atlanta and smack every one of those people in the Georgia Interstate Compact Office up side of the head, and if my positive experience with Tennessee was an anomaly, or if that's how they normally do business.

Let's trade war stories! It'll make you feel better, and who knows...maybe someone in Georgia will read this and be motivated to get their shit together down there.

What's Been Going On

I feel like writing, but I can't think of anything in particular to write about. I hate that feeling. So I guess I'll just summarize what's been going on my world lately. Because I know you're just hanging on the edge of your seat to find out what's happening in my piddly little existence, right?

Most immediately, I have a fantasy football draft tonight. I play in a dynasty league run by my brother-in-law, RC. If memory serves, this is our fifth year of the league. I have a lot of fun with this league. After each season, we keep 10 of our 20 players, so we can keep the basic core of the team together, while still infusing new blood into our teams through the draft and trading. I've played in the championship game for the past three years in a row, but I've only gone 1-2 in those games, including losing to RC last season. If I keep this up, I'll soon be known as the Buffalo Bills of our league. I have a lot of good keepers, though: Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay) and Tony Romo (Dallas) are the quarterbacks I kept; Chris Johnson (Tennessee), Maurice Jones-Drew (Jacksonville), and Ray Rice (Baltimore) are my keeper running backs; Reggie Wayne (Indianapolis), Vincent Jackson (San Diego), Mike Wallace (Pittsburgh), and Pierre Garcon (Indianapolis) are the wide receivers I kept; and Jermichael Finley (Green Bay) is a tight end that rounds out my keeper list. Those who play fantasy football probably recognize that I'm pretty set at QB and RB for the year, but I need to beef up my WR's, especially with Vincent Jackson missing 3-10 games this season. Our drafts are always a good time, so I'm looking forward to it.

Wednesday night marks the beginning of softball season. Last season ended with a 1-6-1 record and a broken ankle for me. We're hoping to improve on both counts this season. We had our first practice yesterday, which was a blast. I've been having some shoulder issues lately (abbreviated version: I think I have a tear in my rotator cuff of my non-throwing arm), but the doctor shot me up with cortisone on Friday, and it worked great by Sunday. Not even the slightest bit of pain as I batted and fielded. My ankle is completely healed, so I had no issues with it, either. My batting felt good from both sides of the plate (yes, I can switch-hit), except for the screaming line drive that I sent directly into our pitcher's thigh. He seems to have escaped serious injury, but I still feel bad about it. I knew as soon as that thing came off my bat that it was bad news. I was yelling an expletive before the ball even hit our pitcher, but he didn't have any time to react. He was a manly man about it, though, only sobbing uncontrollably for about 20 minutes afterwards. My fielding needs some work, but once I got comfortable with the idea that my shoulder wasn't going to be a problem for me, my fielding improved. Looks like I'll be playing third base on Wednesday night.

I've continued to enjoy coaching t-ball on Saturdays. Our last game is coming up on Saturday, and that's a bummer. It's been a great experience, and I've loved teaching four- and five-year-olds about baseball. Too bad it has to end on Saturday. But I'll coach again next year, and Olivia and June will be on the same team. That ought to be interesting!

I got the tattoo of Lady Justice on my lower leg finished on Friday. I spent 3.5 hours in the chair about a month ago getting most of her done, and the finishing touches were applied in 45 minutes on Friday. I learned that I'm allergic to the red ink that was used about a month ago. And since this is the first tattoo that I've had done over two separate sessions, I learned that the second time around is considerably more painful than the first time. The tattoo artist explained that my skin is still "inflamed and pissed off" from the first round of work, especially where I had the red ink done. All of that aside, Lady Justice turned out absolutely spectacular, and I really like the woman who did the artwork. I'm definitely having her do my future tattoos. I'll post a picture of the final product after Lady Justice is done healing.

I've been watching a bunch of movies lately. The Mrs. and I saw "Despicable Me" in 3-D a few weeks ago. It was terrific! We loved it! I also watched both volumes of "Kill Bill" recently. I had never seen them before, and I was a little skeptical, because I'm not a big fan of Quentin Tarantino's movies. I really enjoyed both movies, though--the first volume slightly more than the second one--as it was an entertaining story with plenty of action. "The Taking of Pelham 123" and "From Paris With Love" were both entertaining (I guess I was in a John Travolta mood), as was "Transsiberian" with Woody Harrelson and Ben Kingsley in it.

I downloaded Buckcherry's new album, "All Night Long", last week. I love Buckcherry, but this album is not my favorite of theirs. I'm pretty disappointed. Another favorite band of mine--Disturbed--has a new album coming out later this month, so I'm hopeful that I'll like it better than Buckcherry's new effort.

Coming up sooner than I'd prefer to think about is my first college class in 14 years. I have orientation on August 21, and then I take the plunge with my first class on the following Tuesday, August 24. The Mrs. and I drove to the campus a couple weeks ago and walked around a little bit so I could get my bearings. She said she'll pack me a lunch in a Snoopy lunchbox, complete with milk in the Thermos, and that I can borrow one of my daughter's backbacks--either Barbie Princess or Dora the Explorer--to fill with my protractor, some pencils, a Trapper Keeper, and a box of crayons. I sure hope I fit in with the other students on campus.

And that about sums up my exciting life of late. Are you still awake?

My First Fan Mail!

I finally managed to write something that stirred up some comments and questions! I'm going to call it "fan mail" because I've always wanted to write a column like I see on-line all the time, where the writer responds to readers' feedback. Now I feel so important! So let's get to it!

Q. Daddy, I have to go potty.

A. That's fine, Olivia. Go use the potty.

Q. In reference to your Addiction is a Monster column, is our addiction to coffee and soda parallel enough to an addiction to drugs and alcohol for us to understand a drug addict's or alcoholic's world?

A. Certainly not. The point I was trying to make there was that the behavior associated with addiction is the same, regardless of what the addiction is. When I'm triggered to use caffeine, my unwillingness to waver from my daily routine of coffee and soda is an addiction. To be separated from my substance of choice would cause me some emotional trauma, make me cranky, and send me on a hunt for a pop machine.

When we start talking about drug and alcohol abuse, the effects on the addict of being separated from his substance of choice can be much more extreme. Depending on the substance and the level of addiction, medical assistance may be needed during the process of detoxification. But the fundamentals of addiction are still the same.

Say, for example, that an addict's drug of choice is Vicodin, instead of caffeine. The addict is triggered by some occurrence or routine or something, and his unwillingness to waver from his routine of popping some Vicodin is an addiction. To be separated from his Vicodin would cause him emotional trauma, make him cranky (as well as some other side effects), and send him on a hunt for more Vicodin.

Unfortunately, though, there are no Vicodin machines, where he can drop in 50 cents and get his fix. So he has to resort to illegal means of obtaining his drug of choice--doctor shopping, buying it off the street, stealing from people to pay for pills, prostituting himself for pills, etc. Another huge difference between an addiction to caffeine and an addiction to Vicodin is that Vicodin addicts have to use more and more of the substance to reach the same level of high that they reached the first time they used. Maybe a 5 mg Vicodin pill got him high as a kite the first time he used, but as his body adapts over time, then it takes a 7.5 mg pill to reach that same high. Then it takes a 10 mg pill. Then two 10 mg pills. Then four. Then eight. So as the addiction grows, the need for more pills and more potent pills grows, and the illegal activity required to obtain that amount and concentration of pills grows.

As a caffeine addict, my need for caffeine doesn't increase over time. I don't have to chug four 2-liters of Diet Mountain Dew to get the same "high" that I got from a 12-ounce can a couple years ago. Nor do I have to add six Red Bulls to my Mountain Dew to increase the concentration of caffeine in order get the same effect. So no, while my addiction to caffeine leads me to the same fundamental behavior as an alcohol or drug abuser, it certainly doesn't allow me to understand the world of an alcoholic or a drug addict, in and of itself.

Q. In reference to the same column, if my child was a drug addict or alcoholic, is there any viable option for me somewhere between enabling and tough love, or are there variations on tough love that aren't so extreme?

A. There are certainly other viable options. I'm not saying that as soon as you catch your 19-year-old with a beer, throw her ass out on the streets. There are plenty of ways a parent can help their addict child without enabling. My #1 recommendation is to get the child professional help. Simple internet searches of substance abuse counselors in your area will give you a number of leads. A parent can call the local probation department, parole office, police department, or hospital for suggestions. Then take your child to counseling. Maybe it takes sitting in the car outside the agency for two hours, three times a week to make sure Junior stays in there, but I'm sure that's a sacrifice that most parents are willing to make for their child. Junior might just be going through the motions in counseling at first, but eventually, something's going to start sinking in. If finances prohibit going to a counselor, there are a number of free twelve-step meetings all over the country for a variety of addictions. There's Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Gamblers Anonymous (GA), and Sex Addicts Anonoymous (SAA), for example. Again, take Junior to meetings yourself and sit outside until the meeting's over.

Parents can also talk to their addict child. It sounds pretty basic, but a surprising number of parents that I deal with don't know how to talk to their kids. I hear plenty of parents saying things to their kids like, "You quit using drugs, or I'll kick your ass!" or "What the hell is WRONG with you?!" That's not helpful. No parent wants their child to be an addict, and discovering that their child is one causes a great deal of shock and anger in parents. But it's important to resist the temptation to constantly yell at the child. Try having calm, private, civil conversations with Junior in a place Junior is comfortable--maybe his bedroom or something. Try to learn why Junior is using, what may be bothering him so much that he feels he has to escape by using alcohol or drugs, what his triggers are, and what his point of view is. Understanding goes a long way toward solving a problem. Chances are real good that Junior already knows it's not right to snort cocaine. He doesn't need his parents screaming that at him every time he turns around. It might take awhile, and several attempts, but eventually Junior will likely respond to a genuinely concerned parent who is trying to understand the situation without criticizing, belittling, or shaming him.

On the flip side of that, saying, "Well, I smoked pot when I was young, so what can I do? I can't really get on him about something I did" doesn't help, either. If you burned your hand touching a hot stove, and you saw your child heading toward a hot stove, would you just say, "Well, I burned my hand when I was young, so what can I do? I can't really get on him about something I did"? No! You do what you can to protect and inform your child. You tell your child that you did the same thing, that it was a mistake, and you don't want your child to experience the same pain.

Help Junior find a healthy guide. Steer Junior toward healthy activities. Spend time with Junior. Show interest in him. Something as simple as shooting hoops with Junior for awhile will go a long ways toward building a comfort level, even if you don't say a word about his addiction while you're shooting hoops.

If you're housing and feeding Junior, make him contribute. If he doesn't have a job, make him work around the house to earn his keep. And help him find a job. If he's working, charge him something like $200 per month for room and board. It's a heck of a lot cheaper than anything he'll find out "in the real world" and yet he's still contributing to his own care. If you're uncomfortable taking money from Junior, start up a savings account for him, without his knowledge, and put everything he pays you into that savings account. When he's ready to get out on his own, he'll have a nice little nest egg of his own making.

The point I was getting at in my original column was that when you've tried everything you know to try, and the addict is still taking you down with him, at some point, you have to draw the line and save yourself and anyone else being adversely affected, especially kids. You can't have Junior leaving his drug paraphernalia laying around the house for his younger siblings to find. You can't have him stealing from you to support his addiction. You can't have him stumbling in drunk at 3:00am every night. You can't have him hosting parties at your house with all of his addict buddies while you're gone. You can't just endlessly wipe Junior's ass. Eventually, as painful as it is, you have to tell Junior that he's no longer welcome in your house until he gets himself straightened out. And then enforce it.

Q. In your column about payment options for college, you made fun of IU - Bloomington, you little smart-ass! I'll have you know that we do have computers at IU Bloomington--we're supposedly the most wired university in the galaxy. Everything is calculated for profit these days because we're no longer really a state university. Twenty percent or less of the budget comes from the state. Guess where the rest comes from? I just bought two tickets to an IU football game, for the privilege of watching IU lose. In addition to the high price of the tickets, I was charged a $10 service fee. I bought the tickets at the IU ticket counter, on campus, in person, at Assembly Hall. By the way, they took my credit card.

A. I suppose I should have added the phrase "for student bursar accounts" to my statement that IU Bloomington doesn't accept credit cards at all. Clearly, a credit card can be used at other locations on campus.

And, of course, I was exaggerating about IUB not having the internet or running water.

That $10 service fee that you were charged for football tickets is just another example of what I was talking about. What "service", exactly, did they provide you that's worth $10, above and beyond the exorbitant ticket prices, after you walked up to their front door and got the tickets yourself? It's infuriating!

That's an interesting statistic about how much funding comes from the state for "state" universities. I did not know that. For a nation that is encouraged by our President to further our education, we sure have a funny way of making that possible for people to do. And for a school that desperately tries to improve attendance at football games, when the team perpetually gets its ass kicked week after week, their exorbitant ticket prices and $10 service fee when no service has been rendered sure seems like the wrong way to go about it.

Q. Daddy, I think June just flushed a towel down the toilet.

A. Be right there, Olivia.

Well, this was fun! I enjoyed it a lot! Keep that fan mail coming!

How Much Does It Cost to Use Sidewalks?

For those who don't know, I'm headed back to college in a few weeks. I'm starting work on a Master of Science degree in Criminal Justice and Public Safety at Indiana University Purdue University Indianapolis (IUPUI) later this month.

I got my bill today for the fall semester, which I obviously knew was coming, and it was the amount I anticipated. No problems there.

But when I started looking into the payment options, I got a little irritated. You see, I had been planning to pay for my tuition and fees with my credit card. We pay our credit card in full every month, so we wouldn't be charged any interest, and the bonus for doing that is that 1% of our purchases on that card go toward our kids' college funds. I thought it would be pretty cool to contribute to my kids' education while paying for my own education.

Well, that's not going to happen. I can pay IUPUI with a credit card, but there is a 2.7% service fee charged by a third-party company! WTF?! This third-party company is going to make $65.00, just off of me! And I'm just going to school part-time! There are about 22,000 undergraduate students at IUPUI, and another 8000 graduate students, so if they all pay with a credit card....... let's see ....... carry the 4 ........ move the decimal point ...... multiply by .027 ....... and ........ holy crap! That company is making a killing off of students! It doesn't take a college degree to know that the 2.7% fee I'm going to be charged is more than the 1% that will go into my kids' college funds, so I guess the credit card is out.

So, I thought, I see that I can divide this amount into four payments throughout the semester. That'd be cool. I have all the money for school in my savings account, so I figured I could make four payments, and meanwhile, some of that school money is still sitting in savings, earning interest.

But no. There is, of course, a service fee for making payments. And what is that service fee? $15.00. PER PAYMENT! Seriously?! It costs the university $60.00 to keep track of one student's payments?! The shit is all automated, I'm sure! I know that virtually every single e-mail I've ever gotten from IUPUI thus far has been automated, so you can't tell me that there is a steamy, smoke-filled warehouse somewhere on campus, full of dirty, malnourished children slaving away for 20 hours a day over an abacus to figure out payments. There are 30,000 students at IUPUI, and if all of them made payments, that's 30,000 x $60 ....... $1.8 million EACH SEMESTER. Even if only half of the students make payments, that's a cool $900,000 per semester, just in service fees! For what I'm virtually certain is an automated service! What a load of shit!

Granted, I haven't had to pay for college in 14 years, so I'm sure there were ludicrous fees back then, too, that I've just forgotten about over the years. And IUPUI points out on their website that other schools do this, too (like that makes it okay). But it still kind of irks me that I'm giving IUPUI $2400.00 for one semester's worth of education, and they want to nickel and dime me to death with asinine fees on services that are commonplace in today's society. I wonder if I'm going to be charged for the oxygen I consume on campus, too. $4.00 per breath. Exhaling is 50 cents extra.

I guess I should feel fortunate that I'm not going to Indiana University - Bloomington--the mother ship of the IU system. They don't even accept credit cards at all. Makes me wonder if they have the internet yet in Bloomington. Or running water.

So I guess I'll scrounge around and see if I have any checks left. I can't remember the last time I paid anything with a check, this being the Computer Age and all. Then I'll have to go buy a stamp, because I know I don't have any of those anymore. How much is a stamp nowadays, anyway? $5.00? Is snail mail even still in existence? I'll write a check for the full amount, and send it by Pony Express or carrier pigeon to IUPUI.

Gosh, now that I think about it, I sure hope they accept checks. Because I'm fresh out of gold bullion, and my horse-drawn carriage is in the shop.

Addiction is a Monster

Addiction is a monster. It doesn’t care who or what gets in its way. It wreaks havoc on our lives. It controls us. It destroys relationships. It can destroy our bodies and our minds. It can hurt others. It can destroy our bank accounts. It can take away our freedom. It can kill us.

It doesn’t matter what the addiction is, or whether it’s big or small—the behavior is the same. We develop a fondness for something, for a variety of reasons, and we turn to that “thing” whenever something happens that triggers us to use. Maybe we eat when we’re stressed or upset. Maybe we smoke cigarettes at certain times of the day. Maybe we can’t get the thrill of gambling out of our thoughts. Maybe we steal things for the excitement. Maybe we have promiscuous sex in an effort to feel wanted and desirable. Maybe we drink alcohol to have fun and relax. Maybe we use prescription drugs to ease pain. Maybe we inject heroin to escape pain. Every addict has at least one preferred “thing” and at least one trigger that leads the addict to partake in the “thing.”

I know I’m an addict. If I don’t have my coffee in the morning and a steady stream of Diet Mountain Dew throughout the day, my world is not a pleasant place. My trigger is simply waking up in the morning. I have a very addictive personality, and that hasn’t always led to the healthiest habits or behavior. When I find something I like, or that makes me feel good, I wear it out. Ask the Mrs. what happens when I find a new song I like, for example. Four hundred consecutive plays later, the Mrs. is ready to pull her hair out, strangle me, and throw my iPod out the window, but I still can’t get enough of the song.

I deal with all kinds of addicts on a daily basis. Most of the addicts I deal with struggle with alcohol or drugs or both. Sometimes it’s inappropriate sexual desires or other less common addictions, but most of the time, it’s substance abuse.

I have learned a few things over the years about addiction that I’d like to share, since I bet every single person on the planet is an addict or knows an addict.

No one beats an addiction until they want to. I lead horses to water all the time, but they don’t always want to drink. I can force someone to attend substance abuse counseling, but until that person is internally motivated to conquer their addiction, they just sit there and let the counselor’s words go in one ear and out the other. No probation officer, judge, counselor, parent, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or sibling can force someone to overcome an addiction. Only the addict can do that when properly motivated.

Loved ones who are trying to help are often only enabling the addict. Parents have a natural instinct to protect their children, so when Junior loses his job, his apartment, his vehicle, and all of his possessions because of his addiction to cocaine, it’s natural for Mom and Dad take Junior into their own home and provide him with free room and board until he can “get back on his feet.” In my professional world, we refer to this as Mom and Dad wiping Junior’s ass for him. But now Junior doesn’t have any motivation to do anything constructive with his life. Nor does he have anything to prohibit him from focusing all of his time, energy, and resources on his cocaine addiction. Plus, he has a whole house full of stuff he can steal and sell to fund his addiction. Mom and Dad have just inadvertently made things worse, instead of better. I also commonly see addictions fueled by parents who don’t care what their kids are doing, who condone or even encourage their addictive behavior, and/or who try to be the child’s friend, rather than their parent. Having no rules at home is a recipe for absolute disaster. What’s that about idle hands being the devil’s playthings? Kids have plenty of friends. They need their parents to be parents.


Every addict has one or more triggers. Some addicts have the ability to sit down and identify their own triggers. Some addicts need help with that. But it is essential that addicts identify their trigger(s) if they have any hope of recovery. There’s a reason I ask a million seemingly irrelevant questions of my probationers. I’m probing for information. What stresses you out? What motivates you? What triggers you to use? Probationers don’t even realize that what appears to be casual conversation is providing me with all kinds of clues about that person. I’m picking up on verbal and non-verbal cues, body language, what the probationer says, what the probationer doesn’t say, and so on. If I can get into your head, I can more effectively help you.

Once the triggers are identified, then the addict needs to find healthy ways to deal with those triggers. A solid support system is an essential place to start. Some find this at 12-step meetings. Some find it with long-term recovering addicts or sponsors. Some find it with friends or family who don’t use. I frequently see recovering addicts get more involved in church. Addicts need someone healthy to talk to when the addict is triggered to use—what a substance abuse counselor friend of mine calls a “healthy guide.” Healthy activities are also essential when recovering from an addiction. Instead of smoking marijuana to relieve stress, go to a gym and work out when you’re stressed. I once had a probationer who relaxed with alcohol. After his fourth drunk driving conviction, he had finally had enough, and he realized that he needed a more constructive way to relax. For him, it was home repairs. While on probation, he made countless repairs to his house, he built a huge patio outside his back door, and he built a really nice deck around his above-ground pool. He even commented that he spent less money on lumber and supplies than he would have on alcohol. And there’s no telling how much value he added to his home.

An addict’s environment needs to change if there’s any hope of long-term recovery. This is often one of the most difficult obstacles for addicts to overcome because it involves massive change in his or her life. Separation or divorce may be the only option if both spouses are addicts, and only one wants to get clean. Perhaps a career change is necessary to reduce your level of stress, if your trigger is to use when you’re stressed. If you’re addicted to marijuana, and all your friends smoke dope? Guess what? You need to find new friends. Try convincing an addict that his lifelong friends are bad for him, and that he needs to stay away from them at all costs. These aren’t easy things to do, but they’re necessary.

While it’s a very understandable reaction, loved ones of addicts often kick themselves and wonder what they could have done differently to prevent the person from becoming an addict. Most of the time, the answer is: nothing. Plenty of addicts come from well-adjusted families. A wife wondering what she could have done differently to prevent her husband from becoming an alcoholic and drinking a case of beer every night after work is just spinning her wheels. Fretting about woulda-coulda-shoulda’s and blaming yourself for the addict's behavior is pointless and self-destructive. The addict isn’t going to change until s/he wants to. That most often occurs when the addict hits what s/he considers to be rock bottom.

Sometimes “tough love” is what’s required to ultimately help the addict. It’s VERY hard for loved ones of addicts to do this, but sometimes ultimatums have to be issued. Lines have to be drawn in the sand. Guns have to be stuck to. Addicts have to be arrested. Or left in jail. Or kicked out. Or divorced. Or avoided. When the addict is taking everyone and everything down with him or her, at some point, loved ones have to save themselves. Sticking with an addict who has gambled away their life savings and second mortgage on their house is financial suicide. Sticking with an addict who gets drunk every night and hits you isn’t good, either. Sheltering an addict who steals from you to support his or her addiction is unacceptable.

“Tough love” isn’t a walk in the park, nor is it pleasant. Loved ones feel like they’re abandoning or turning their backs on the addict. They feel disloyal, or that they have let the addict down when they should have done more to "help" the addict. Addicts lie, and they say nasty, hurtful things when they’re backed into a corner, with access to their “thing” of choice obstructed. Loving someone and being told that the feelings aren’t mutual, or that the addict hates you, drives a hot iron stake right through anyone’s chest. The addict knows this, and if that’s what it takes to get the loved one to back down and take back the ultimatum, the addict will say it. The addict knows what buttons to push with his loved ones. Whatever it takes for the addict to get his “thing” of choice, the addict will do it.

Loved ones have to remain confident that what they’re doing is in the addict’s best interests, as well as the loved one’s best interests, and they have to remind themselves repeatedly that this is the addict talking. It’s not their spouse, their child, their parent, their sibling, or their friend. That person is buried somewhere under the addiction.

Lead the horse to water, but understand that the horse may not drink. And sometimes, even though it tears you up inside, you have to let the horse go and just pray for the best. There’s a big difference between supporting an addict in his recovery and enabling that addict to continue his addiction. If you choose to do so, you can let the addict know that as soon as he gets his shit together, you’ll be there for him, but until that happens, you have to save yourself.

Because addiction is a monster. And it doesn’t care who or what gets in its way.

Time for Softball Again!

It's that time of year again! Time to play softball! We've signed our team up with the local Parks and Rec Department, and our games begin on August 11.

I'm fully recovered from the broken ankle in last season's finale, although I've yet to swing a bat with my balky left shoulder. I'm sure it will be something I can play through, though.

Chuck is taking a more active role in the coaching of the team this year, so I'm glad of that. I'm still helping him out, but he's going to take some of the load off.

Since he's doing the lineups and field assignments now, he's trying to decide where to put everyone. In my 20+ years of playing softball, I've played every position on the field, but as I age, my depth perception is failing me. My only hope of not completely embarrassing myself in the outfield is to play there when the sun is still up. Once the sun starts to set, that's it for my ability to track fly balls. I can see that the ball is in the air, but its trajectory is a complete mystery to me. One time last season, I was yelling "I got it! I got it!" while trying to field a fly ball. I heard the outfielder next to me say, "Um...no you don't." And a second or two later, the ball went about 20 feet over my head. That's how bad it is.

So these days, I'm a much better infielder than I am an outfielder. We have an absolutely stellar shortstop--easily the best athlete on our team--so I won't be playing there. And we have a new woman on the team who holds down first base quite well, so I won't be over there, either. Chuck's trying to decide whether to put me at second base or third base. Either one works just fine for me. I like them both. I'm hoping we can have a practice before the season starts, in part so we can determine if our new first baseman is going to be able to handle the velocity of my throws from third base. Many a first baseman over the years has complained about how hard I throw. Even when I try to take something off of the throw, I get complaints (and I start losing accuracy). That was actually a big reason why I moved to second base. With short tosses from second to first, I throw with a much lesser sense of urgency.

So anyway, whether it's second base or third base, I'm looking forward to it.

And I'm not sliding this season.

At least not feet-first.....

My World Gets a New Look

I haven't enjoyed My World in quite some time, so I've decided to shake things up. Maybe a little different look will help My World become a more pleasant place.

I think I'm also going to try shorter, more frequent posts. I know how much everyone enjoys those posts that take 20 minutes to read (end sarcasm), but those take me two or three hours to type. I just don't have that block of time available on a regular basis, and it takes a lot of energy to come up with topics to write about and then edit them to my standard of perfection. Maybe shorter posts will keep me motivated to write more often.

I certainly need the outlet, that's for sure.

I've also noticed that I bitch a lot. I've never been accused of being an optimist, but as I look back on previous posts, I see now just how much I bitch about stuff. It's no wonder that My World feels so negative. Perhaps shorter posts will allow me to focus on positive things and record them before I forget them and replace them with memories of negative stuff (it's in my nature; don't bother trying to fix me).

For example, my left shoulder hurts like a son of a bitch, and it has been feeling like that for about a month now. I could write a book on how frustrating and painful this shoulder experience has been, but instead, I'm going to try to focus on some positive things. My doctor referred me today to a sports medicine specialist who seems to be highly regarded by several of my friends, and my doctor assured me that "we'll get that shoulder fixed up." And I should focus on the fact that my appointment today was free of charge, thanks to my employer setting up a free medical clinic for county employees a few months ago. I should focus on the fact that I got some medication free of charge today, too, thanks to the free medical clinic. And I should focus on the fact that I have finally...FINALLY...found a doctor who I like, who I'm comfortable talking to, who listens to me, and who remembers things I say and concerns I have (such as my unwillingness to use opiates for pain relief). Again, thanks to the free medical clinic.

I should be thankful that the non-narcotic pain reliever he has given me knocks the shoulder pain down from feeling like someone is driving a red-hot railroad spike through the front of my shoulder with a jackhammer, to something manageable. This is especially good because softball season starts on August 11--another thing I'm thankful for.

I'm very thankful that I volunteered to coach t-ball. For an hour each Saturday, I'm in absolute heaven, teaching a bunch of four- and five-year-olds how to play a sport I love. Kids that age are such a refreshingly stark contrast to my daily contacts at work. I never want that hour to end.

I'm thankful that my best friend lives right across the street. And that we co-own a kegerator over at his house. I'm thankful that I can talk to him about anything at all, which is even easier for me to do after pressing the kegerator into service.

There. That's good enough for today. I feel better already about My World. Of course, there's a lot more that I'm thankful for, but I'll save those thoughts for another day when My World needs another picker-upper.

Now it's time to see what Chuck and the kegerator are up to.

Let's Go, Orioles!

I'm embarking on a new adventure: coaching. It's actually not an entirely new adventure for me, as I've coached recreational softball teams and Special Olympics athletes in the past, but what makes it new for me is that I'll be coaching a dozen four- and five-year-olds, including Olivia, in t-ball. We're in a league run by the local YMCA, and our team is the Orioles.

It's one thing to tell an adult buddy of mine to put his beer down, pick up his softball mitt, and try not to completely embarrass himself over at third base. There isn't much coaching skill involved in that. It's quite another thing entirely to try to teach a bunch of little kids the very basic fundamentals of baseball, such as how to drop the bat after hitting the ball without maiming anyone within a 30-foot radius.

Fortunately, I have help. There are two of us coaching the team, and the other coach is a professional acquaintance of mine. I look forward to working with him in a different capacity--and getting to know him better--throughout the season.

Last week, I attended the Coaches Meeting and learned what the YMCA expects from its coaches. We heard the basic common sense stuff (although, in today's society, it has to be said) like: never be one-on-one with any kids, including when they have to use the restroom; don't give your own kid special treatment, good or bad; high-fives are good; butt slaps and purple nurples are bad; screaming spit-flying obscenities in a four-year-old's face while slapping him repeatedly, then withholding water from him after he runs the wrong way on the bases is bad; reinforcing the YMCA's values is good, etc. Apparently drug use, alcohol use, and tobacco use in front of the kids is also frowned upon, as are public displays of affection. Who knew?

Anyway, once we got through all that legal mumbo-jumbo stuff, we learned about the rules of our league. I knew from sign-ups that it was a non-competitive league, but I also know that some parents keep score in their heads. So I was a little nervous about my first coaching stint with other people's kids having the added pressure of unspoken expectations to "win" these non-competitive games.

But the YMCA alleviated that concern. Every kid on the team bats in every inning. There are no outs. Each kid swings until putting a ball into play, even if it takes 35 swings. Each kid advances one--and only one--base at a time. If the batter reaches first base before the other team has even collected the ball, the batter stays at first. If the other team throws the batter out at first base, the batter stays at first. The last kid up to bat in each inning gets to run all the way around the bases for a "grand slam." We play for an hour, or three innings, whichever comes first. We have 12 kids on our roster, so we'll score 12 runs each inning. Assuming the other team has 12 players, too, the other team will score 12 runs each inning. For those parents scoring in their heads, the game will be a 36-36 tie every week. So I was pleased to have the ability to "win" games completely removed by league rules.

Last night, all of the coaches, players, and parents met at the YMCA office. We got our rosters and schedules, and we got a chance to say hi to our players and their parents. Olivia, being painfully shy, crawled up my leg every time I tried to introduce her to the other coach or to any of the players on her team. I chuckled to myself, though, as I watched most of the other kids crawl up their parents' legs when I talked to them, too. One of those nice little reminders for me that Olivia is a typical four-year-old.

It was also nice to hear other parents asking the same questions and expressing the same concerns that I had when I signed Olivia up to play. It's an unknown realm for most parents, and they simply want to know what's expected of them, what to bring to practices and games, and that their kids are going to be okay. I understand the anxiety of turning my kids over to a stranger, so I went out of my way to put parents at ease. Many of them fretted that their child has no prior experience playing baseball. I assured them that I expect absolutely nothing from the kids, and Olivia has no experience, either. That seemed to relax them all.

So the adventure begins Saturday morning when the Orioles--nine boys, three girls, and two coaches--take the field for our first practice. The first three Saturdays of the season (minus Independence Day weekend) are practices. The final four Saturdays of the season are games. We all get team t-shirts on the day of our final practice to wear for our four games, and the kids get a participation trophy at the end of the season.

My goals for the season are simple: everyone has fun, and the kids learn the basics of baseball. If, by the end of the season, the kids can hit a ball off a tee, run the bases in the correct direction, and maybe field a slow grounder or two, I'll consider it a success. Oh, and if we avoid any visits from an ambulance throughout the season, that'd be nice, too. After all, we coaches are old and fragile, and we break easily.