Addiction is a Monster

Addiction is a monster. It doesn’t care who or what gets in its way. It wreaks havoc on our lives. It controls us. It destroys relationships. It can destroy our bodies and our minds. It can hurt others. It can destroy our bank accounts. It can take away our freedom. It can kill us.

It doesn’t matter what the addiction is, or whether it’s big or small—the behavior is the same. We develop a fondness for something, for a variety of reasons, and we turn to that “thing” whenever something happens that triggers us to use. Maybe we eat when we’re stressed or upset. Maybe we smoke cigarettes at certain times of the day. Maybe we can’t get the thrill of gambling out of our thoughts. Maybe we steal things for the excitement. Maybe we have promiscuous sex in an effort to feel wanted and desirable. Maybe we drink alcohol to have fun and relax. Maybe we use prescription drugs to ease pain. Maybe we inject heroin to escape pain. Every addict has at least one preferred “thing” and at least one trigger that leads the addict to partake in the “thing.”

I know I’m an addict. If I don’t have my coffee in the morning and a steady stream of Diet Mountain Dew throughout the day, my world is not a pleasant place. My trigger is simply waking up in the morning. I have a very addictive personality, and that hasn’t always led to the healthiest habits or behavior. When I find something I like, or that makes me feel good, I wear it out. Ask the Mrs. what happens when I find a new song I like, for example. Four hundred consecutive plays later, the Mrs. is ready to pull her hair out, strangle me, and throw my iPod out the window, but I still can’t get enough of the song.

I deal with all kinds of addicts on a daily basis. Most of the addicts I deal with struggle with alcohol or drugs or both. Sometimes it’s inappropriate sexual desires or other less common addictions, but most of the time, it’s substance abuse.

I have learned a few things over the years about addiction that I’d like to share, since I bet every single person on the planet is an addict or knows an addict.

No one beats an addiction until they want to. I lead horses to water all the time, but they don’t always want to drink. I can force someone to attend substance abuse counseling, but until that person is internally motivated to conquer their addiction, they just sit there and let the counselor’s words go in one ear and out the other. No probation officer, judge, counselor, parent, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or sibling can force someone to overcome an addiction. Only the addict can do that when properly motivated.

Loved ones who are trying to help are often only enabling the addict. Parents have a natural instinct to protect their children, so when Junior loses his job, his apartment, his vehicle, and all of his possessions because of his addiction to cocaine, it’s natural for Mom and Dad take Junior into their own home and provide him with free room and board until he can “get back on his feet.” In my professional world, we refer to this as Mom and Dad wiping Junior’s ass for him. But now Junior doesn’t have any motivation to do anything constructive with his life. Nor does he have anything to prohibit him from focusing all of his time, energy, and resources on his cocaine addiction. Plus, he has a whole house full of stuff he can steal and sell to fund his addiction. Mom and Dad have just inadvertently made things worse, instead of better. I also commonly see addictions fueled by parents who don’t care what their kids are doing, who condone or even encourage their addictive behavior, and/or who try to be the child’s friend, rather than their parent. Having no rules at home is a recipe for absolute disaster. What’s that about idle hands being the devil’s playthings? Kids have plenty of friends. They need their parents to be parents.


Every addict has one or more triggers. Some addicts have the ability to sit down and identify their own triggers. Some addicts need help with that. But it is essential that addicts identify their trigger(s) if they have any hope of recovery. There’s a reason I ask a million seemingly irrelevant questions of my probationers. I’m probing for information. What stresses you out? What motivates you? What triggers you to use? Probationers don’t even realize that what appears to be casual conversation is providing me with all kinds of clues about that person. I’m picking up on verbal and non-verbal cues, body language, what the probationer says, what the probationer doesn’t say, and so on. If I can get into your head, I can more effectively help you.

Once the triggers are identified, then the addict needs to find healthy ways to deal with those triggers. A solid support system is an essential place to start. Some find this at 12-step meetings. Some find it with long-term recovering addicts or sponsors. Some find it with friends or family who don’t use. I frequently see recovering addicts get more involved in church. Addicts need someone healthy to talk to when the addict is triggered to use—what a substance abuse counselor friend of mine calls a “healthy guide.” Healthy activities are also essential when recovering from an addiction. Instead of smoking marijuana to relieve stress, go to a gym and work out when you’re stressed. I once had a probationer who relaxed with alcohol. After his fourth drunk driving conviction, he had finally had enough, and he realized that he needed a more constructive way to relax. For him, it was home repairs. While on probation, he made countless repairs to his house, he built a huge patio outside his back door, and he built a really nice deck around his above-ground pool. He even commented that he spent less money on lumber and supplies than he would have on alcohol. And there’s no telling how much value he added to his home.

An addict’s environment needs to change if there’s any hope of long-term recovery. This is often one of the most difficult obstacles for addicts to overcome because it involves massive change in his or her life. Separation or divorce may be the only option if both spouses are addicts, and only one wants to get clean. Perhaps a career change is necessary to reduce your level of stress, if your trigger is to use when you’re stressed. If you’re addicted to marijuana, and all your friends smoke dope? Guess what? You need to find new friends. Try convincing an addict that his lifelong friends are bad for him, and that he needs to stay away from them at all costs. These aren’t easy things to do, but they’re necessary.

While it’s a very understandable reaction, loved ones of addicts often kick themselves and wonder what they could have done differently to prevent the person from becoming an addict. Most of the time, the answer is: nothing. Plenty of addicts come from well-adjusted families. A wife wondering what she could have done differently to prevent her husband from becoming an alcoholic and drinking a case of beer every night after work is just spinning her wheels. Fretting about woulda-coulda-shoulda’s and blaming yourself for the addict's behavior is pointless and self-destructive. The addict isn’t going to change until s/he wants to. That most often occurs when the addict hits what s/he considers to be rock bottom.

Sometimes “tough love” is what’s required to ultimately help the addict. It’s VERY hard for loved ones of addicts to do this, but sometimes ultimatums have to be issued. Lines have to be drawn in the sand. Guns have to be stuck to. Addicts have to be arrested. Or left in jail. Or kicked out. Or divorced. Or avoided. When the addict is taking everyone and everything down with him or her, at some point, loved ones have to save themselves. Sticking with an addict who has gambled away their life savings and second mortgage on their house is financial suicide. Sticking with an addict who gets drunk every night and hits you isn’t good, either. Sheltering an addict who steals from you to support his or her addiction is unacceptable.

“Tough love” isn’t a walk in the park, nor is it pleasant. Loved ones feel like they’re abandoning or turning their backs on the addict. They feel disloyal, or that they have let the addict down when they should have done more to "help" the addict. Addicts lie, and they say nasty, hurtful things when they’re backed into a corner, with access to their “thing” of choice obstructed. Loving someone and being told that the feelings aren’t mutual, or that the addict hates you, drives a hot iron stake right through anyone’s chest. The addict knows this, and if that’s what it takes to get the loved one to back down and take back the ultimatum, the addict will say it. The addict knows what buttons to push with his loved ones. Whatever it takes for the addict to get his “thing” of choice, the addict will do it.

Loved ones have to remain confident that what they’re doing is in the addict’s best interests, as well as the loved one’s best interests, and they have to remind themselves repeatedly that this is the addict talking. It’s not their spouse, their child, their parent, their sibling, or their friend. That person is buried somewhere under the addiction.

Lead the horse to water, but understand that the horse may not drink. And sometimes, even though it tears you up inside, you have to let the horse go and just pray for the best. There’s a big difference between supporting an addict in his recovery and enabling that addict to continue his addiction. If you choose to do so, you can let the addict know that as soon as he gets his shit together, you’ll be there for him, but until that happens, you have to save yourself.

Because addiction is a monster. And it doesn’t care who or what gets in its way.