My First Fan Mail!

I finally managed to write something that stirred up some comments and questions! I'm going to call it "fan mail" because I've always wanted to write a column like I see on-line all the time, where the writer responds to readers' feedback. Now I feel so important! So let's get to it!

Q. Daddy, I have to go potty.

A. That's fine, Olivia. Go use the potty.

Q. In reference to your Addiction is a Monster column, is our addiction to coffee and soda parallel enough to an addiction to drugs and alcohol for us to understand a drug addict's or alcoholic's world?

A. Certainly not. The point I was trying to make there was that the behavior associated with addiction is the same, regardless of what the addiction is. When I'm triggered to use caffeine, my unwillingness to waver from my daily routine of coffee and soda is an addiction. To be separated from my substance of choice would cause me some emotional trauma, make me cranky, and send me on a hunt for a pop machine.

When we start talking about drug and alcohol abuse, the effects on the addict of being separated from his substance of choice can be much more extreme. Depending on the substance and the level of addiction, medical assistance may be needed during the process of detoxification. But the fundamentals of addiction are still the same.

Say, for example, that an addict's drug of choice is Vicodin, instead of caffeine. The addict is triggered by some occurrence or routine or something, and his unwillingness to waver from his routine of popping some Vicodin is an addiction. To be separated from his Vicodin would cause him emotional trauma, make him cranky (as well as some other side effects), and send him on a hunt for more Vicodin.

Unfortunately, though, there are no Vicodin machines, where he can drop in 50 cents and get his fix. So he has to resort to illegal means of obtaining his drug of choice--doctor shopping, buying it off the street, stealing from people to pay for pills, prostituting himself for pills, etc. Another huge difference between an addiction to caffeine and an addiction to Vicodin is that Vicodin addicts have to use more and more of the substance to reach the same level of high that they reached the first time they used. Maybe a 5 mg Vicodin pill got him high as a kite the first time he used, but as his body adapts over time, then it takes a 7.5 mg pill to reach that same high. Then it takes a 10 mg pill. Then two 10 mg pills. Then four. Then eight. So as the addiction grows, the need for more pills and more potent pills grows, and the illegal activity required to obtain that amount and concentration of pills grows.

As a caffeine addict, my need for caffeine doesn't increase over time. I don't have to chug four 2-liters of Diet Mountain Dew to get the same "high" that I got from a 12-ounce can a couple years ago. Nor do I have to add six Red Bulls to my Mountain Dew to increase the concentration of caffeine in order get the same effect. So no, while my addiction to caffeine leads me to the same fundamental behavior as an alcohol or drug abuser, it certainly doesn't allow me to understand the world of an alcoholic or a drug addict, in and of itself.

Q. In reference to the same column, if my child was a drug addict or alcoholic, is there any viable option for me somewhere between enabling and tough love, or are there variations on tough love that aren't so extreme?

A. There are certainly other viable options. I'm not saying that as soon as you catch your 19-year-old with a beer, throw her ass out on the streets. There are plenty of ways a parent can help their addict child without enabling. My #1 recommendation is to get the child professional help. Simple internet searches of substance abuse counselors in your area will give you a number of leads. A parent can call the local probation department, parole office, police department, or hospital for suggestions. Then take your child to counseling. Maybe it takes sitting in the car outside the agency for two hours, three times a week to make sure Junior stays in there, but I'm sure that's a sacrifice that most parents are willing to make for their child. Junior might just be going through the motions in counseling at first, but eventually, something's going to start sinking in. If finances prohibit going to a counselor, there are a number of free twelve-step meetings all over the country for a variety of addictions. There's Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Gamblers Anonymous (GA), and Sex Addicts Anonoymous (SAA), for example. Again, take Junior to meetings yourself and sit outside until the meeting's over.

Parents can also talk to their addict child. It sounds pretty basic, but a surprising number of parents that I deal with don't know how to talk to their kids. I hear plenty of parents saying things to their kids like, "You quit using drugs, or I'll kick your ass!" or "What the hell is WRONG with you?!" That's not helpful. No parent wants their child to be an addict, and discovering that their child is one causes a great deal of shock and anger in parents. But it's important to resist the temptation to constantly yell at the child. Try having calm, private, civil conversations with Junior in a place Junior is comfortable--maybe his bedroom or something. Try to learn why Junior is using, what may be bothering him so much that he feels he has to escape by using alcohol or drugs, what his triggers are, and what his point of view is. Understanding goes a long way toward solving a problem. Chances are real good that Junior already knows it's not right to snort cocaine. He doesn't need his parents screaming that at him every time he turns around. It might take awhile, and several attempts, but eventually Junior will likely respond to a genuinely concerned parent who is trying to understand the situation without criticizing, belittling, or shaming him.

On the flip side of that, saying, "Well, I smoked pot when I was young, so what can I do? I can't really get on him about something I did" doesn't help, either. If you burned your hand touching a hot stove, and you saw your child heading toward a hot stove, would you just say, "Well, I burned my hand when I was young, so what can I do? I can't really get on him about something I did"? No! You do what you can to protect and inform your child. You tell your child that you did the same thing, that it was a mistake, and you don't want your child to experience the same pain.

Help Junior find a healthy guide. Steer Junior toward healthy activities. Spend time with Junior. Show interest in him. Something as simple as shooting hoops with Junior for awhile will go a long ways toward building a comfort level, even if you don't say a word about his addiction while you're shooting hoops.

If you're housing and feeding Junior, make him contribute. If he doesn't have a job, make him work around the house to earn his keep. And help him find a job. If he's working, charge him something like $200 per month for room and board. It's a heck of a lot cheaper than anything he'll find out "in the real world" and yet he's still contributing to his own care. If you're uncomfortable taking money from Junior, start up a savings account for him, without his knowledge, and put everything he pays you into that savings account. When he's ready to get out on his own, he'll have a nice little nest egg of his own making.

The point I was getting at in my original column was that when you've tried everything you know to try, and the addict is still taking you down with him, at some point, you have to draw the line and save yourself and anyone else being adversely affected, especially kids. You can't have Junior leaving his drug paraphernalia laying around the house for his younger siblings to find. You can't have him stealing from you to support his addiction. You can't have him stumbling in drunk at 3:00am every night. You can't have him hosting parties at your house with all of his addict buddies while you're gone. You can't just endlessly wipe Junior's ass. Eventually, as painful as it is, you have to tell Junior that he's no longer welcome in your house until he gets himself straightened out. And then enforce it.

Q. In your column about payment options for college, you made fun of IU - Bloomington, you little smart-ass! I'll have you know that we do have computers at IU Bloomington--we're supposedly the most wired university in the galaxy. Everything is calculated for profit these days because we're no longer really a state university. Twenty percent or less of the budget comes from the state. Guess where the rest comes from? I just bought two tickets to an IU football game, for the privilege of watching IU lose. In addition to the high price of the tickets, I was charged a $10 service fee. I bought the tickets at the IU ticket counter, on campus, in person, at Assembly Hall. By the way, they took my credit card.

A. I suppose I should have added the phrase "for student bursar accounts" to my statement that IU Bloomington doesn't accept credit cards at all. Clearly, a credit card can be used at other locations on campus.

And, of course, I was exaggerating about IUB not having the internet or running water.

That $10 service fee that you were charged for football tickets is just another example of what I was talking about. What "service", exactly, did they provide you that's worth $10, above and beyond the exorbitant ticket prices, after you walked up to their front door and got the tickets yourself? It's infuriating!

That's an interesting statistic about how much funding comes from the state for "state" universities. I did not know that. For a nation that is encouraged by our President to further our education, we sure have a funny way of making that possible for people to do. And for a school that desperately tries to improve attendance at football games, when the team perpetually gets its ass kicked week after week, their exorbitant ticket prices and $10 service fee when no service has been rendered sure seems like the wrong way to go about it.

Q. Daddy, I think June just flushed a towel down the toilet.

A. Be right there, Olivia.

Well, this was fun! I enjoyed it a lot! Keep that fan mail coming!