You Know What They Say About Assuming...

I posted a status update on my Facebook page a few days ago after a particularly rough day at home with my kids, and I received several responses from friends, relishing my frustration and taking great joy in pointing out that I now know what women go through all the time. I didn't take offense--the comments were all in jest--but it got me thinking.

My college degree is in Sociology, with a minor in Psychology, and human behavior has always fascinated me. I've also been a probation officer for 13 years and a supervisor for 5 years, so human behavior is something I deal with on a daily basis, in great depth.

What the comments got me thinking about was the assumptions we make about people. Many of these assumptions are based on minimal information, or even qualities of a person of which they have no control.

For example, people make assumptions about my role as a parent, based solely on my gender. I get extra attention in stores and at parks when I take my daughters out, and people frequently make comments that it's so cute to see a couple of girls out with their daddy. As if that's as rare as a sighting of the Loch Ness Monster. While I certainly have no objection to people saying nice things about me, I'd wager that the Mrs. doesn't get those sorts of comments when she's out with the girls. That's because she's expected to do that sort of stuff. She's the mother, right? An interesting discussion budded from my comment on Facebook, as my cousin, who is a father of four kids under the age of four, commented that he gets a lot more help opening doors than his wife does. Perhaps he, being male and presumably unaccustomed to coordinating the opening of a door and the insertion of a small ocean liner on wheels loaded with kids through the doorway, just screams incompetence at parenting while his wife, trying to accomplish the same task, needs no help since she's the mother.

As a society, we make all sorts of assumptions about people, beyond making inferences about their parenting acumen based solely on their gender. I know these assumptions are often based on culture and, in some cases, current events, but I still find it interesting.

I'm certainly not immune. I make assumptions about people. I find that many of my assumptions are formed, at least in part, by what I do for a living.

I was at a sporting event with my father-in-law over the weekend, and I noticed a young woman with her wrist in a cast. My first assumption: her husband beat the hell out of her. She couldn't possibly have fallen off her bicycle or slipped on some stairs or anything. It had to be an act of domestic violence.

Before you laugh at my assumption, have you ever seen a man and a woman walking together in a store, and the woman has two black eyes? What assumption do you make about the man? Many years ago, my ex-wife broke her nose in a car accident, which blackened both of her eyes. When we were out in public, people who knew us would ask her what happened...all the while, giving me the stink eye. People who didn't know us would look at her, and then scowl at me. I wasn't even in the car with her when she had her accident!

I also noticed that, while she looked very young herself, the woman at the sporting event had what I would guess to be a 2-year-old child with her, and she wore a wedding band. Naturally, all sorts of assumptions were going through my mind about which came first, the child or the marriage. All of it based solely on observations made from several feet away, without any conversation with her. As if it was any of my business to begin with.

People who have had contact with the police often make assumptions. They assume the officer is having a bad day, corrupt, making a quota, racist, and/or any number of other assumptions as to why they were stopped. It's rare to hear someone say, "Yep, I was flying down the interstate, and I deserved the speeding ticket."

Employers frequently make assumptions about the people I supervise, based solely on a felony conviction. If that person has ever been to prison, that's even worse. What I almost never get, though, are phone calls from employment agencies or potential employers, asking my thoughts on a particular applicant. I've supervised felons who I wouldn't mind having in my home because, while they haven't always made the best decisions (who has?), they're decent people. And I've supervised misdemeanants who I wouldn't trust any farther than I could throw them.

I was at a conference one time when the speaker put a phrase up on the overhead and wanted everyone in the room to shout out what immediately came to mind. The phrase was: BOY SCOUT LEADER. Immediately, the room full of probation officers shouted in unison, "Child Molester!" I was one of them shouting, and I'm an Eagle Scout and was briefly an adult Boy Scout leader (but not a child molester, in case you're inclined to make an assumption about me). The speaker looked at us in feigned amazement and said that when he does this exercise with a room full of business people or government officials or corporate executives, he gets answers like "community leader", "role model", and "hero." But in a room full of people involved in law enforcement, he always gets "child molester."

I make the same assumptions about those ice cream trucks that roll through residential neighborhoods.

Take something a little less sinister: dog breeds. We make all kinds of assumptions about dogs, based solely on their breeds. When I say "pit bull", what comes to mind? Nothing good, right? How about "Rottweiler"? Again, nothing good. Try "Doberman." We have a Chow mix who is the most harmless dog you could ask for. Our kids climb all over him, step on him, pull his tail, and otherwise abuse him like kids do, and he doesn't bat an eye. But people see that black tongue of his, and all kinds of assumptions are made. We've had groomers refuse to cut his hair because of his breed.

How about mail? Ever get a certified letter? That's never good, is it? Certified letters from our County Clerk's Office are constantly refused by the addressees. And then people don't show up for the Court dates that were contained in those letters. But sometimes the Clerk's Office doesn't have an address for a victim of a crime, but they have a restitution check for the victim. If I supervise the person who paid the restitution, the Clerk often sends the restitution check to me, since I likely have the victim's address. I send the restitution check to the victim via certified mail, and frequently, those checks are returned unclaimed. It seems no one wants to sign for a certified envelope sent by the Probation Department, even when there's money in it.

I know I'm often in a cold sweat when I get something from my bank that isn't obviously my monthly bank statement. My assumption is that I've bounced a check, someone has stolen my identity, or my bank has gone under and I've lost every penny I had with them.

I feel for the person of Middle Eastern descent who tries to fly from one U.S. city to another. I can imagine the assumptions being made about him.

The latest presidential election brought out all kinds of passionate assumptions. People assumed Barack Obama would be a terrific president because of his race. Other people assumed he would be a horrible president because of his race. One of the most laughable assumptions I heard was that he is a terrorist because his middle name is Hussein.

The examples go on and on. We base our assumptions on our life experiences, our education, our background, our occupations, current events, and our social norms. People will always make assumptions. It's part of human nature. I just find it interesting to observe what assumptions are made.

Now if you'll excuse me, I hear "Pop Goes the Weasel" blasting from an ice cream truck as it rolls through my neighborhood. I need to round up my kids and stow them safely inside the house until the child molester is gone.