Do You Play Football?

I just want to take a minute to record a classic moment in probation supervision before I purge it from my memory and get on with my life.

A little background info: One of our probation officers recently left our department to take a similar position in another state. For the sake of this story, we'll call him...um...Ben. Because that's his real name. This probationer met with Ben a few weeks ago for his initial appointment, and Ben then reassigned him to me for the remainder of his probation.

Ben is a very meticulous probation officer. He consistently scored near the very top of our office in performance evaluations, and he's well-known for his attention to detail. As a result, when I got the file, there were very thorough notes in place describing what Ben told this probationer at his appointment.

Our conditions of probation require that everyone--regardless of their offense--complete a substance abuse evaluation within the first 45 days of their probation. In this particular case, this probationer clearly needed to do this. The reasons why are unimportant. Just trust me on this one. He needed to complete a substance abuse evaluation.

So here's how part of the appointment went.

First, the probationer showed up 10 minutes late today because he couldn't find the entrance to the building that leads to my office. Granted, it's a different entrance than he went through to see Ben a few weeks ago, but we work in a small building. He could walk all the way around the building about 30 times in 10 minutes.

Then we get back to my office, and the first thing out of his mouth is, "Do you play football? You look like you play football." Really?, I'm thinking to myself. Because I'm 5'8". 5'9" if I stand up real tall. And no one who has seen my physique in the past 20 years would accuse me of having an athletic build. I can count on two hands the number of 5'8" or 5'9" players who have EVER played in the NFL in the past 50 years, and they were/are all lightning fast. I'm not even in the same realm as "lightning fast." And those players were/are all at least 40 pounds lighter than I am.

I ask him if he has gotten his substance abuse evaluation scheduled or completed, as Ben had told him to do.

HIM: No.

ME: Why not?

HIM: Because I have to take care of my girlfriend's kids while she's at work.

ME: Where does your girlfriend work?

HIM: She works with old people.

ME: Doing what?

HIM: You know, she goes to old people's houses. Like, old people.

ME: For what reason?

HIM: Ummmmmm.......

ME: To rob them?

HIM: No! You know, OLD PEOPLE.

ME: I know what old people are. What does your girlfriend do at old people's houses?

HIM: Well, they're, like, old people. And they're in a bed or something in their house.

ME: Uh huh. And what does she DO for them?

HIM: I guess she takes care of them.

ME: Does she work for hospice care?

HIM: Huh? What's that?

ME: *Sigh* How old are her kids?

HIM: Six and four.

ME: So what does having to watch her kids have to do with you not picking up the phone and scheduling an appointment like Ben told you to do? I have a four-year-old and a two-year-old, and I can make phone calls when I'm watching them.

HIM: Well, I can't drive.

ME: Again, what does that have to do with you not picking up the phone and scheduling an appointment?

HIM: Well, I want to go to [a specific substance abuse counseling agency], but I don't have their number.

ME: Did you check the list of counseling agencies that Ben mailed to you?

HIM: He didn't give me a list.

ME: Really, because his notes said he mailed you a list along with your initial appointment letter, and you obviously showed up for your initial appointment, so I know you got the list, too.

HIM: I don't know what I did with that envelope.

ME: Did you look in the phone book for [the particular agency's] number?

HIM: I don't have a phone book.

ME: Did you call the probation department to ask for [the particular agency's] number?

HIM: No. I thought I had the entire period of my probation to get the evaluation done.

ME: Do you not remember signing your Probation Order, and receiving a copy of it, where it says this has to be done within the first 45 days of your probation?

HIM: Nobody told me that.

ME: Really, because that doesn't sound like Ben at all to me, not making sure that you understand your conditions of probation and have a copy of them.

HIM: I didn't know.

ME: Oh, I can't wait to see the judge's face when you tell him that at your probation violation hearing.

HIM: I'm violated?!

ME: Well, you're past your 45 days the Court gave you to get your evaluation done, so why shouldn't I violate your probation?

HIM: What if I get it done by my next appointment?

ME: Ah, now you're catching on. You do that, and I might not file a violation. But if you don't, I guarantee you that I WILL file one. Do we understand each other?

HIM: Yes.

ME: Good. I'm giving you a drug screen today, too.

(Long pause)

HIM: Did you play COLLEGE football?