Driving 101

I can't stand other drivers... Most of them, anyway...

We all know that getting behind Buicks, Oldsmobiles, and, before they basically vanished from the roadways, Cadillacs, means that the driver is one of our elders...or, as I generally refer to them, Blue Hairs... Blue Hairs have decades of experience on our roadways, but their drastically reduced physical abilities needed for driving--eyesight, hearing, reflexes, ability to turn body parts to check mirrors and such things--have diminished with age... Their method of compensating for this is to drive about 30 mph under the speed limit...

We also know that Blue Hairs are so focused on keeping their Buicks centered on the roadway that they often forget that they’ve had their left turn signal on for the last 40 miles...

Blue Hairs are known to come to a dead stop before turning, going over a speed bump, crossing train tracks, encountering a yield sign with no on-coming traffic, or doing anything other than driving in a straight line on an interstate... I wonder if they don’t hear the screeching tires and metal crunching behind them as they cause a 30-car pile-up, or if they just don’t care...

Handicap tags or plates on a car are just as bad... Throw a handicap tag in a Buick, and you might as well just plan on driving 12 mph the entire way you plan to go, with your foot covering the brake at all times...

I could go on and on about Blue Hairs, but I’m really not being mean... Blue Hairs recognize their limited senses and physical abilities, and they are compensating for it... I can appreciate that... I’ll be a Blue Hair one day, and they’re going to have to pry my car keys out of my cold, dead hands, so while I occasionally get frustrated with them, I’ll give Blue Hairs some space to get their Oldsmobile parked in portions of three parking spots at the grocery store...

On the flip side (just so you don’t think I have something against Blue Hairs), you’ve got your teenaged drivers who feel that 80 mph is an appropriate speed through a residential neighborhood at night if they think it’s going to impress their buddy or the cute girl in the car with them... These kids also think that 1.3 millimeters is an appropriate distance to be behind the car in front of them...on the interstate... Passing on curves or hills? No problem! What could possibly go wrong? Stop signs are merely suggestions... Straight roads = drag strip, right? Speed limit signs? What are those? Oh, Tiffany just texted me about what Brad said that Julie told Katie when Scott went to the dance with Laurie behind her back! WTF! OMG! Let me text my BFF back! * CRASH! *

Of course, I was never one of those kids.......... Noooooooooo................

People who have anything relating to religion on their cars drive like crap... Fish symbol on the trunk? Drives like crap... “My boss is a Jewish carpenter” bumper sticker? Drives like crap... Crucifix anywhere on the car? Drives like crap... Any bumper stickers or window stickers about abortion being a mortal sin, God wanting you to do something or not do something, citing a passage from the Bible, or identifying a church (especially a large church)? Drives like crap... These people apparently think Jesus is going to protect them as they drive 15 mph under the speed limit in the passing lane, cross four lanes of traffic without signaling, attend to something going on in the back seat while they’re driving, and park in the fire lane in front of grocery stores... Either that, or they’re eager to meet Jesus...

Now before you throw holy water on me and send a priest over to exorcise my demons, I couldn’t possibly care any less about how religious a person is, or what higher power(s) they may look up to... (I’ll save the religion discussion for another day...) Plenty of people who have religion in their lives drive just fine... There’s just an amazing correspondence between the amount of religious paraphernalia on a car and the person’s inability to drive... Watch for awhile, and you’ll see I’m right...

Same goes for people whose entire back side of the car is covered with bumper stickers... It really doesn’t matter what the stickers say--although they’re usually something relating to granola-eating, tree-hugging, science fiction, saving the Earth, unicorns, or that the driver is 10% princess and 90% bitch--if there’s more than about three bumper stickers, the person drives like crap...

You know who else drives like crap? People with “Baby on Board” stuff on their car... They seem to think that since they’ve accomplished the rare feat of procreating, then they’re exempt from traffic laws and consideration of others...

Then you have the people who clearly were not born and raised in the United States who are driving like crap... There’s nothing quite like seeing someone white-knuckling the steering wheel and having dinner plate eyes while they crawl through a 65 mph zone at 23 mph...in the passing lane...and, not being familiar with the area, they see their dentist’s office at the last second on their right, and here they come, without looking or signaling... How these people were given a drivers license is beyond me... As with the religion thing, let’s not make this into some sort of racist or xenophobic discussion... That’s not the point I’m making... I’m saying, throw me in a car in the middle of Mumbai, India, and I’m going to drive like crap... I’ll be white-knuckling it with dinner plate eyes because I won’t be able to read the signs, understand the traffic laws, be used to driving on the left side of the road, or figure out how many kilometers an hour is an appropriate speed in a strange area full of obstacles and hazards I’m not familiar with... I shouldn’t be given an Indian drivers license... And people who aren’t truly comfortable reading our road signs, obeying our traffic laws, operating vehicles on the right side of the road, and driving at a safe speed shouldn’t have drivers licenses in the U.S...

And that goes for Americans in the U.S., too...

Hey, soccer mom! Hang up your phone and drive!

Speaking of soccer moms...ladies, if you can’t drive the 42-passenger Earth-destroying SUV that gets 4 feet to the gallon, don’t buy it... Buy something smaller in which you can actually turn corners, park in a single parking space, and back out of a driveway without running over people or things... I have kids... I understand the need to transport the entire Little League to Dairy Queen after the game, but when you do that in a small bus, and you spend that time alternating between talking on your cell phone and turning around and yelling at the kids to stop throwing jock straps at each other, you’re about to hit someone with an incredibly large vehicle... Before the women's rights movement forms a lynch mob, nothing in a woman’s chromosomes causes her to drive badly... My sister can use a one-ton pick-up to back a loaded horse trailer through the eye of a needle without thinking twice, but I can’t get a U-Haul with a car trailered on the back parked on the street within 11 feet of the curb... I have to get my sister to do it... Knowing my limitations, I do not buy a larger vehicle than I can maneuver...

Hey, Bubba! Put down the triple bacon cheeseburger, fries, and apple pie, and focus on traffic!

Hey, young lady, either put your make-up on before you leave the house, or put it on at work! How’s that mascara brush going to feel in your eyeball when you rear-end someone?

Guys, ditto for shaving...

Hey, businessman! Now’s not the time to read the New York Times!

Hey, buddy! It’s called the PASSING LANE or the FAST LANE for a reason! MOVE!!!

Hey, knot-head! It’s called a BLIND SPOT for a reason! I can’t see you! Stop hovering there!

Hey, jerk-off! Does it really create that much work for you to flip your turn signal on before you change lanes or turn? I can flick mine on with my pinky without even taking my hands off the steering wheel... Why is it such a widespread practice to not indicate which direction you want to go before going that way?

On a related note, there are mirrors in and on your car for a reason! Trying using them! It wouldn’t kill you to turn your head and check your blind spot before you change lanes, either...

Hey, idiot! You seriously couldn’t wait for 3 seconds for me to pass, with no traffic behind me? Instead, you had to pull out in front of me, causing me to engage the anti-lock brakes with my kids in the car? And then you’re going to drive 20 mph under the speed limit in front of me?

Hey, jackass! You tailgating me is not going to make the 14 cars in front of me move any faster!

Hey, moron! When the police car has someone pulled over, MOVE OVER! The officer is focusing on not getting killed by the driver or any of the passengers... The last thing the officer needs is to get killed from behind because you’re too busy talking on the phone to notice the retina-piercing red and blue lights on the side of the road... And what’s the point of rubber-necking? Never seen a car pulled over before? Pay attention to what’s in front of you, not what’s going on over there... It’s none of your business, anyway...

Hey, low man on the office totem pole! If you’re ordering lunch for 25 different people on 25 different tickets, don’t use the drive-thru lane! Go inside!

And don’t even get me started on how people drive in inclement weather...

I’ve certainly made my share of mistakes on the roadways, so I’m not expecting perfection or anything... But I was taught by my parents and in driver’s education to drive defensively and to eliminate as many distractions to the driver as possible... I see the vast majority of today’s drivers doing the exact opposite on a regular basis... I’ve got my two young children strapped into the best car seats I can find, in one of the largest and safest vehicles I can afford, and I still hold my breath every time I’m on the roadways with them in the car...

If I could drive a Sherman tank, I would...

Especially if the artillery came with it...